Nobody really wants to be known as the mother who is always losing her temper, or the neurotic mom, or the grumpy mom, or the mom who is always being a martyr. Most mothers that I know (myself included) want to be known as a calm, fun, loving mom.
Unfortunately, what ends up happening, unless we are intentional, is that we end up repeating our own mother’s bad habits and picking up a few new ones of our own.
If you see a mom who is always calm and who doesn’t lose her temper…it’s no accident, and it’s not just her personality. I can guarantee you that she has worked HARD to be that mom. That’s actually really good news! It means that we all have the capability to change into the mothers we actually want to be, instead of being victims of our God-given personalities.
These are some of the strategies that I have used to transform my mom persona from frazzled, snippy, and short-fused to calm, funny, and in control.
No Rushing
I have to be really careful with my daily schedule…not to overload it. One thing that I know about myself is that if I start to feel rushed, or like I’m going straight from one task to the next with no down-time…it’s difficult for me to stay calm.
When my day lacks margin (or breathing room), it’s harder for me to be patient and I start to feel snappy. If you are this way too, then you will want to limit how many things you put on your daily schedule so that you have enough margin to get through your day and stay calm with yourself and with your family.
I realized for myself this was going to mean getting up early. I am the type of person who likes to go slowly in the morning. But going slowly meant that we started school way too late in the day, which made me feel rushed for the rest of the day.
The way for me to fix this was not to speed up my morning (which would also make me feel rushed), but to start my morning earlier.
Did I want to start waking up one hour earlier? No, absolutely not!
However, the peace that this gave me during the day was well worth it. I didn’t lose sleep, I started going to bed an hour earlier.
This one small change has positively benefited my whole day, and keeps me from losing my calm.
Stay On Top Of Your Tasks
Another thing that has the potential to make a lot of moms lose their calm is getting behind on household chores. You may have heard the saying “our outward environment reflects our inner state”, but I believe that actually goes both ways.
Nothing helps me to feel calm more than a clean and tidy home. So it only makes sense that when I get behind on housework, I will start to feel stressed out.
It may feel impossible on some days to stay on top of household tasks, and in those cases, try to at least tidy up one room and keep the kitchen tidy. If you have two tidy rooms, then you have a neat and orderly place to retreat and catch your breath when you feel your calm slipping.
Only Ask Once
Another thing that regularly causes mothers to lose their calm is when they ask their children more than once to do something…pick up the living room, stop pestering your sister, do your homework, get your shoes out of the middle of the floor…
It doesn’t matter what it is, when moms have to repeat themselves, sometimes many times over, tempers start to rise, the yelling may start, and inevitably, no mom is the best version of herself.
Setting consequences for the children, and then following up on them after the first time really is the key to keeping your cool with your children. Counting to three (again and again), nagging and whining, and then when nothing else works losing your temper and shouting is NOT the way.
Routine
Having a good routine in place, or an order to your day is helpful both in keeping yourself calm, but also keeping your children calm. Children thrive with a solid routine in place because it eliminates the unknown.
You may have been avoiding a routine in the past because you are a free spirit, or you want to remain spontaneous, or any number of reasons. But let me tell you, as a reformed free spirit, having a routine actually gives me MORE freedom than less.
A flexible routine is important for several different reasons:
1. A flexible routine ensures that you get all of your priorities taken care of.
- A flexible routine helps you to know what you should be focusing your time and energy on throughout the day.
- A flexible daily routine will ensure that if you want to be spontaneous, you can afford to be…because you aren’t behind.
- A flexible routine gives your children reassurance about what is happening currently, and what will be happening in the near future. If you have any children that struggle with anxiety, a routine is literally one of the BEST things that you can do to help them feel at ease.
Don’t fall into the trap of over-stuffing your routine…this will give you the opposite effect. Go re-read the No Rushing section above to refresh yourself on the perils of a life with little to no margin.
Instead, find a happy medium where you are getting everything done, but you still have down time.
Give yourself and your children the gift of a solid routine, and see how calming it can be
Don’t Underestimate Your Children’s Memories
Remembering this one truth may help you to adjust your attitude during trying moments.
Your children will remember more than you think they will…and unfortunately, the bad moments have a way of being sticky memories.
Think of your own childhood. Did you have a parent who often lost his or her calm? Or a teacher? Or a babysitter?
I know that I remember a LOT of these instances. They are stuck in my memory.
Now, of course I also remember the good times. And I’m not trying to say that you need to turn into a robot who never shows emotion. But just remember…your children are watching you. And they will remember how you handled adversity.
I want my children to see me go through hard things and to handle those hard things with grace, determination and patience. I do not want them to see me fall apart every time something doesn’t go my way.
I want my children to learn how to patiently parent their own children by my example. I don’t want their first lessons as a future parent to be watching me fly off the handle over spilled milk.
You are truly your children’s greatest teacher (regardless of how they receive their formal schooling).
If life is a classroom (and it is!), then remember that your own behavior is instructing your children on how they themselves should handle trials. Let’s give them a solid education!
This is a lot. I know.
I would suggest not trying to tackle all of these areas at once, it won’t stick. Instead choose one of these areas (the one that feels least intimidating), and work on it for a few weeks. Once you feel like it has become a habit, go ahead and add another.
Continue on until you are using all of these techniques, and I’m willing to bet that your emotional state will be much stronger.
You are 100% capable of being a calm mom, you will benefit immensely, but your children will benefit even more!
