Teaching my children manners has always been a top priority for me, and that’s a reflection of my own childhood. I was born in Birmingham, Alabama to parents who prioritized well-mannered children, and it rubbed off on me!
But as all mothers know, there is a huge difference in the idealized way you think you are going to raise your own children and the way that parenthood and child-rearing actually goes.
I struggled in the early years to find a good balance between teaching good manners to my own children and being too obsessed with them always saying and doing the most mannerly thing.
As in all areas of life, there is a balanced approach that yields great results without compromising the parent/child relationship.
Why Manners Are Important
I am from the south, and in general, manners are prioritized here. I still remember when I was eight years old and we moved from Alabama to Pennsylvania. In Alabama ALL children were expected to address their teachers with either yes ma’am or yes sir…even just answering an adult with a ‘yes’ was seen as terribly rude…and if you dared to answer with a ‘yeah’ well, let’s just say there was no hope for you.
So imagine my surprise when in Pennsylvania, I answered my teacher with a ‘yes sir’, and the whole class looked at me like I was from outer space. It was a huge deal. The kids questioned me all during recess about my strange customs, and my accent was picked on mercilessly (this was not very mannerly of them!).
I quickly learned to drop the sir and ma’am from my speech (except when addressing my parents), but continued on with my pleases and thank yous.
Manners just make the world a nicer place…they make human interactions more pleasant, and they are so important to learn while young.
The moment I found out we were moving to Virginia when I was fourteen years old, I pulled my manners back out (for the general public, I always kept them out when in our home!), and prepared to re-enter the familiar customs.
If your children learn to use good manners while they are young, then those same good manners become second nature when they are older. This is one of those life skills that your children may not appreciate until they are much older and don’t struggle like some of their peers.
Figuring Out Your Family Standards With Manners
My family standards for manners do not need to be your family standards for manners. You get to set your own standards. I am going to share some of our standards as a jumping off point for you, but please understand that I am only sharing these to give you ideas, and not as a rule.
There are different types of manners for different situations, so let’s cover a few.
Table Manners
- Napkin in the lap
- Proper holding and use of fork and knife, including proper cutting technique
- Proper topics of conversation at the dinner table
- Children giving the adults an opportunity to talk uninterrupted, and then adults leading the conversation including the children. This is the training ground for teaching children proper respect in conversation for adults.
- Clearing off your dishes and scooting in your chair
Addressing Adults
- Answering adults with yes ma’am or yes sir.
- Please, and thank you.
- Answering questions politely, with eye contact, and then how to ask return questions.
- Firm handshake.
Manners At Other People’s Homes
- When a hostess gift is appropriate or when it’s appropriate to offer to bring food or drink.
- Greeting your hostess (in the case of a friend’s house, greeting parents)
- Offering to help clean up after dinner.
- Thanking your hostess (friend’s mother) when it’s time to leave.
- Looking and observing the customs of the home (taking shoes off at the entry or leaving them on, etc)
Phone Manners
- No phones EVER at the table
- No phones during conversations
- No talking on speakerphone unless you are in private
- No talking on the phone in public, excuse yourself and find somewhere private
- No texting while in conversation with someone else
- When out with a friend, no taking your phone out unless it’s an emergency
Gift Receiving And Giving
- Proper reactions when receiving a gift
- Thoughtful gift giving
- Sending a thank you note
Implementing Your Standards
In the same way I don’t recommend starting a bunch of new chores or other habits at one time, I also don’t recommend teaching and requiring a bunch of new manners at once. You are going to want to choose one area to focus on at a time.
I would recommend the dinner table because it’s a natural place to begin…you have a bit of a captive audience. I would recommend starting with one manner…the easiest will probably be placing a napkin in the lap. You could add a second manner if you’re feeling adventurous at the start.
Alternatively if your children have phones, you may want to start with phone manners.
The important thing here is to pick an area, and introduce manners slowly because you are building life long habits.
I would also recommend that you make your own list with the manners that are most important to you. You can use mine if you want to, but I may have things that are not important to you, or there may be additional manners that I don’t require that you want to be in your children’s repertoire!
Once you have your list made, then go ahead and prioritize your list in the order you plan to implement.
Take it slow. This is a long game. Depending on the length of your list, it may take you the entire year to get them all implemented, and beyond that, you will have to keep reminding and enforcing good manners. But trust me! Having well-mannered children is so good for both the children and the parents. This is a win-win!
